am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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