I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
