she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
