....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
