her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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