My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize
