the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
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