You're completely useless in the revolution.
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
