Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I want her autograph on my taint
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Randomize
