If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
