Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
