Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
