shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
