My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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