I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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