guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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