so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
