There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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