the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
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