ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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