I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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