They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
