when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
