Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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