WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
