Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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