he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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