Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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