I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
