dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Randomize
