i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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