I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
