Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Randomize
