Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Found the puke drawer
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
