if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
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