I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Randomize
