Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
