fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize