god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
At least life still wants to fuck me.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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