Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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