The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
