maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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