I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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