I'm jealous of your bromance
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
