Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
You can't motorboat a personality
She just used a chaser for red wine.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
