Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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