Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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