I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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