There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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