The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
