I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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