dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
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