Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
