It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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