her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
