i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
