apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
